sidekicks part 2
As I said earlier I am between soups. I wanted a vacation but apparently there is a slight shortage of trained sidekicks to train the B’s. (B’s is short for newB’s) Why do I say there is a shortage? two very important reasons: 1: I am not on vacation. I just finished a span of 18 months with a friendly fellow who’s favorite phrase was "Come here my pet". He loved to say anything that had some version of pet=animal slave companion in it. My name by the way is Petrina Ovskova. I prefer Petri because I loved the little guy in the Land Before Time movie. I also answer to Petra. No one calls me Pet. He was irritating. A little creepy. His "power" consisted of clearing large areas of all life with the ability to move via stench. He was also a bit of a star wars geek and wanted to carry a light-saber. We had to explain that light-sabers aren’t real and wouldn’t work as no one would get close enough to him to fight him. He had basic hygiene problems as well.
After him I deserved a vacation. After every assignment guild law states that a sidekick may have one month of personal vacation. It does not matter the length of the actual assignment. This is a law guarded zealously. They begged me to post-pone. What can I say. I am a sucker for higher-ups on their knees weeping.
Two: I may have a fair amount of experience but I am only a journeyman. I don’t know what you know of guilds but it works like this at the basic level– apprentice, journeyman, master, instructor. There are tests between the levels, and you are invited to take them. You do not choose to. The instructor stage is officially achieved by few. Not many want it. Those who do are usually shot. If the names aren’t clear enough let me rephrase: bitch, stooge, masochist, asshole.
The apprentices are the bitches of the guild. If you can’t comprehend that put this book down now and read something less challenging like Elmo’s ABCs. Journeymen do the less pleasant dirty work. We do as told, or are supposed to. We are newly, relatively, minted sidekicks and are given the less pleasant tasks, mundane stuff, and incompetent soups. Masters are the folks who’ve been doing the job a while, know what to do, how to do it, and get the good assignments. The instructors are the idiots who train the B’s. They are supposed to be the best. They are usually just the rest. They do not go out on assignments, they do not deal with the soups, and they do not advise B’s or journeymen.
I am teaching the B’s. I don’t particularly want to as this means I must spend time in the Academy. If you are thinking it is some cool ancient building in Europe or spiffy upscale thing in New York City– stop. The academy is an industrial brick P.O.S in downtown Detroit. A lot of stuff happens in Detroit. I personally think the city as a whole has it in for me. The feeling is mutual.
There are a few positives in being here though. They are: Stan, Vic, Rodney, Jane, Kael and Rashida. Stan, Vic, and Rodney are the best sidekicks in the world. Stan is 42, legally blind, has regulation male pattern balding, two teenage boys, and a wife from the 3rd or 4th circle. Vic is in his upper sixties, fake teeth and is deaf in one ear. Rodney is the worlds biggest geek. I am convinced that the comic book store guy on the Simpsons was taken directly from him. They are always in demand and are so good they have all gone free lance. I.e. they are attached to nobody in particular but will do whatever needs done for whomever needs it. Stan is the database guy and is very shy. Vic can bitch-slap anyone back into shape. Rodney knows everything about everyone and wears his Star Trek captains uniform as if it were one. Despite his geekiness I think he is fantastic. He is one of the sweetest men in the world and is the only man I have ever met who actually stopped traffic for two hours on an interstate in order to let a turtle cross. I am still not certain why he is not dead.
Jane, Kael, and Rashida are second only to the triumvirate (those men I just mentioned). Rashida is 27, African-American, a super-genius, electronic guru, and mechanical wonder. Jane is 36 and a PR wiz. She also has the world’s best people skills and could convince the Pope he was Satan if she so desired. She has a six year old daughter and is around 7 months pregnant with kid number two. Kael is scary. He is 35, 6'3", Scottish, a pheremone sponge, and more attractive than Brad Pitt slathered in honey. He has upper level belts in at least three martial arts (I can’t spell, pronounce, or remember them correctly so I won’t even try), and can kick ass as effectively or more than some of the bouncy-boys he protects.
The tribunal, as I call the second three, are not in residence in Detroit as is the triumvirate. I like making names up for people and groups. They rarely catch on and I am the only one who uses them. This group only shows when they need help or general raw meat. Apprentices are excellent meat. When large scale work needs done, such as building repair or clean-up, whatever a solo sidekick cannot do-- we use the meat. It's handy and we get to claim that it teaches discipline or some such bull.
On to Kael. I want Kael. I really want Kael. Kael is not aware my ancestors crawled out of the ocean. I think this has to do with the fact that he is really hot and dates super-models, and I don't exactly fit that description (see above). Well... I shouldn’t say date exactly. He takes’m to dinner then sleeps with them after. Crude I know– but true none-the-less. I know this about him yet I still want him. I do not understand. Whatever. Why do we women do this to ourselves.
*sigh*
After him I deserved a vacation. After every assignment guild law states that a sidekick may have one month of personal vacation. It does not matter the length of the actual assignment. This is a law guarded zealously. They begged me to post-pone. What can I say. I am a sucker for higher-ups on their knees weeping.
Two: I may have a fair amount of experience but I am only a journeyman. I don’t know what you know of guilds but it works like this at the basic level– apprentice, journeyman, master, instructor. There are tests between the levels, and you are invited to take them. You do not choose to. The instructor stage is officially achieved by few. Not many want it. Those who do are usually shot. If the names aren’t clear enough let me rephrase: bitch, stooge, masochist, asshole.
The apprentices are the bitches of the guild. If you can’t comprehend that put this book down now and read something less challenging like Elmo’s ABCs. Journeymen do the less pleasant dirty work. We do as told, or are supposed to. We are newly, relatively, minted sidekicks and are given the less pleasant tasks, mundane stuff, and incompetent soups. Masters are the folks who’ve been doing the job a while, know what to do, how to do it, and get the good assignments. The instructors are the idiots who train the B’s. They are supposed to be the best. They are usually just the rest. They do not go out on assignments, they do not deal with the soups, and they do not advise B’s or journeymen.
I am teaching the B’s. I don’t particularly want to as this means I must spend time in the Academy. If you are thinking it is some cool ancient building in Europe or spiffy upscale thing in New York City– stop. The academy is an industrial brick P.O.S in downtown Detroit. A lot of stuff happens in Detroit. I personally think the city as a whole has it in for me. The feeling is mutual.
There are a few positives in being here though. They are: Stan, Vic, Rodney, Jane, Kael and Rashida. Stan, Vic, and Rodney are the best sidekicks in the world. Stan is 42, legally blind, has regulation male pattern balding, two teenage boys, and a wife from the 3rd or 4th circle. Vic is in his upper sixties, fake teeth and is deaf in one ear. Rodney is the worlds biggest geek. I am convinced that the comic book store guy on the Simpsons was taken directly from him. They are always in demand and are so good they have all gone free lance. I.e. they are attached to nobody in particular but will do whatever needs done for whomever needs it. Stan is the database guy and is very shy. Vic can bitch-slap anyone back into shape. Rodney knows everything about everyone and wears his Star Trek captains uniform as if it were one. Despite his geekiness I think he is fantastic. He is one of the sweetest men in the world and is the only man I have ever met who actually stopped traffic for two hours on an interstate in order to let a turtle cross. I am still not certain why he is not dead.
Jane, Kael, and Rashida are second only to the triumvirate (those men I just mentioned). Rashida is 27, African-American, a super-genius, electronic guru, and mechanical wonder. Jane is 36 and a PR wiz. She also has the world’s best people skills and could convince the Pope he was Satan if she so desired. She has a six year old daughter and is around 7 months pregnant with kid number two. Kael is scary. He is 35, 6'3", Scottish, a pheremone sponge, and more attractive than Brad Pitt slathered in honey. He has upper level belts in at least three martial arts (I can’t spell, pronounce, or remember them correctly so I won’t even try), and can kick ass as effectively or more than some of the bouncy-boys he protects.
The tribunal, as I call the second three, are not in residence in Detroit as is the triumvirate. I like making names up for people and groups. They rarely catch on and I am the only one who uses them. This group only shows when they need help or general raw meat. Apprentices are excellent meat. When large scale work needs done, such as building repair or clean-up, whatever a solo sidekick cannot do-- we use the meat. It's handy and we get to claim that it teaches discipline or some such bull.
On to Kael. I want Kael. I really want Kael. Kael is not aware my ancestors crawled out of the ocean. I think this has to do with the fact that he is really hot and dates super-models, and I don't exactly fit that description (see above). Well... I shouldn’t say date exactly. He takes’m to dinner then sleeps with them after. Crude I know– but true none-the-less. I know this about him yet I still want him. I do not understand. Whatever. Why do we women do this to ourselves.
*sigh*
posted by Nancy | 10:18 PM
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